Monday, January 2, 2012

Pizza Registration

The office of the White House Press Secretary today announced the plan of President Obama to issue an Executive Order requiring all Pizzas made for sale in the United States to be registered with the DOJ's Counter Terrorism Unit. This coming in the wake of an increase in acts of terror being committed by Pizza wielding extremists.

The President is not ready to release details on his E.O., because, as in the case of the Health Care bill, the Order will be a skeleton that will be fleshed out by agencies, existing or created, that will be responsible for formulating, implementing, and executing the plan established. For this President Obama has called an emergency meeting of the heads of all existing departments involved.

Tops on the list of things to be discussed is limiting the size of pizza to 6” in diameter and creation of a microchip to be embedded in each pizza sold. Preliminary requirements for the chip have already been released to Intel and AMD so they will be able to make proposals at the proper time. Each has been given a ten billion dollar grant for research and development. The value of the contract that will be awarded is expected to be in the Trillions. Most of the cost, according to the Office of Management and Budget, will eventually be passed on to the Pizza Restaurants and the consumer.

Minimum requirements have been set for the embedded chip. It must blend into the cheese and be easily swallowed. To facilitate tracking of potentially harmful ingredients such as explosively hot pepperoni, the chip must survive the trip through the digestive system until it exits the body. It must continue to be fully functional until destroyed by the processes used in sewage treatment facilities.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton will be addressing the next meeting of the U.N. General Assembly. She is expected to appeal for a world-wide Anchovy Proliferation Treaty.

[Obviously, the above report is false. I just wanted to see if I could come up with fiction more absurd than fact. I failed miserably.]

The story that beats my fiction by a mile comes from Bob Unruh of World Net Daily via David Theroux at The Beacon, the blog of the Independent Institute

In the past, a gunmaker’s name on a pen and a drawing of a space weapon have been enough to bring down school officials’ wrath on students; now it’s a piece of pizza.

At an elementary school in Smyrna, Tenn., student Nicholas Taylor, 10, has been ordered to spend lunches for the rest of the semester at the lunchroom’s “silent table” because he allegedly picked up a piece of pizza and waved it around like a gun.

According to a WKRN television report, school officials say Taylor “threatened” other students “with a piece of pizza with bites out of it so it looked like a gun.”

The station said his mother, LeAnn Taylor, described the punishment as “absolutely ridiculous” and said her son never said anything derogatory or anything about shooting.

“The kid across the table from him said it looked like a gun so he picked it up and started shooting it in the air,” she said, according the television report.

A school official, James Evans, said the punishment actually is because “some students reported he was making some threatening hand gestures, that he was shooting at other kids at the table, and they reported it to a teacher.”

. . . .

“In addition to the stigma of silent lunch, Nicholas was required to meet with the school resource officer to learn about gun safety. I submit that the school should have further required that the child … meet with the dietitian to discuss pizza safety.”

The controversy developed, according to the WKRN report, a few days ago at David Youree Elementary School in Smyrna, a part of the Rutherford County School District.

Evans wrote, “I realize some might say we are going overboard but the principal is just trying to use an abundance of caution and send the message that we don’t play about guns and it’s not something we joke around about.”

Taylor told the station the school made it clear if her son eats his pizza into the shape of a gun again and there is another incident, he would be suspended.

See the whole story at including a TV interview of two Tennessee representatives. Can you pick the airhead?

Let's just be thankful it wasn't a piece of French Bread Pizza. School officials might have thought it was a rocket launcher and poor Nicholas would already be in Gitmo.